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‘I hold grudges’: Joel Creasey can’t stop scrolling for old classmates

What I’m reading: Look, I knew this question was going to be asked and I thought I’m going to be honest, I’m not reading a thing. A lot of people lie when asked what they’re reading. I have become so iso-lazy that even turning the pages of a book is too exhausting. But the last book I did read, it’s so camp, was Audition by Barbara Walters about all the different interviews she did with presidents and celebrities. And I did read Hillary Clinton’s book What Happened again recently. I loved the bit where she talked about after losing to Donald Trump, she lay in the backyard and drank lots of white wine. Cool, we get that, but just tell us you got absolutely smashed and threw a grand piano across the room, because that is what I would have done. That is what I did do, and I wasn’t you.

My new hobby is: Scrolling the social media of the people who were mean to me at school. I’m petty. I hold grudges. You might have told me you didn’t like my haircut in grade nine. And I will have laid on my bed covered in Cheezels looking like a pig scrolling through Instagram trying to find a really unflattering photo of you. It’s really great when things haven’t worked out for them. You should not have commented on my frosted tips, should you, Sarah?

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The one positive of Melbourne’s second lockdown is: There are a couple of things Melburnians love — we love wearing all black, coffee and whingeing. And we have got 10 years worth of content now. We’ll be saying to people in other states, “oh, you haven’t experienced a real lockdown, man”. As we’re sitting at home, we’ve just got to remember that it’s going to make a great dinner party story.

The surprising thing I’m looking forward to doing again is: Normally I complain about it, but I can’t wait for a jet-fuel 3am vodka soda served to me at a nightclub in a crappy plastic cup with a thin flavourless piece of lime floating in it. I can’t wait to be at a packed bar talking to someone that I cannot stand. Honestly, I would pay for that experience right now. Joel Creasey is the new co-host of the Nova Network’s Kate, Tim & Joel drive show from 3-6pm weekdays.

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