At just 16-percent of the sleep-population, Tummy Sleepers get 100-percent of the sleep-humiliation. Health professionals have never approved of us: they say Tummy Sleeping is bad for our posture and blood-flow and skeletal growth – and sure, all that may be true, but at least our genitals are protected from nighttime genital-slashers, that’s got to count for something in the health biz.
The media show us no love, never representing us in movies and TV shows. If there’s a sleeping-scene, the characters are always lying on their backs or on their sides – and if they’re lying on their tummies, it’s because someone’s lying on top of them or someone’s lying underneath them, either way, nobody’s getting any sleep.
The pillow industry has never supported us: you can’t buy a low, flat Tummy Sleeper pillow anywhere, nobody stocks them – we can only buy massive overstuffed pillows that make our heads twist even more painfully, like we just saw a bus go past, and then a plane. Tummy Sleepers end up having to make their own pillows – usually just an empty pillow-case laid flat on the bed. Folded in half if we prefer a bit of height and softness.
A Tummy Sleeping life is a tough one – so tough that I’m ashamed to say, I recently considered sleep-converting. For a few nights I tried Back Sleeping, but apparently I made weird unpleasant mouth-popping noises and my Side Sleeping wife said she’d rather sleep with a Tummy Sleeper than a Mouth Popper (but only just). Another time I dabbled with Side Sleeping, but my bony knees hurt when they rested on top of each other – I had to put my Tummy Sleeper pillow between them, which didn’t help, it was just a pillow case.
But no more of this self-denial. Tummy Sleeping is my identity. It’s who I am. I am proud to be a fully-grown man who sleeps on his tum, one hand tucked into his waist, the other hand perched under his chin, like I’m performing the actions for I’m A Little Teapot. Just a little respect. That’s all I ask.
Danny Katz is a Melbourne humorist.