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Mid-wicket Murders

“This week’s TV Guide promises a cricket competition to be held in dear old Midsomer, murder capital of the United Kingdom. Expect DCI (Dead Cricketer Investigator) Tom Barnaby, to be initially stumped, before the perpetrator’s slips have him caught out and held, pending a DRS. I’m padding up right now!” says Don Bain of Port Macquarie.

Comradeship now, from Andrew Lewis of South Coogee: “I’ve been cutting my hair for years, but decided to go out in solidarity with my unkempt citizens and not cut it. But after 10 weeks, I folded, sort of. Gave myself a short back and sides and left a mop on top. I can only offer this as a form of apology. To paraphrase from The Incredibles, ‘When everyone is having a bad hair day, nobody is having a bad hair day’.”

“It’s not only our cars that must meet ‘Australian Conditions’ (C8), it’s drivers too,” claims Debra Flower of Hurstville. “When hiring a four-wheel-drive in Broome, we were given an upgrade because, as Australians, we were considered to have a better chance of returning the car in one piece than Europeans. Overconfident Germans accustomed to autobahns were mentioned as often needing rescue.”

Brendan Lawler of Sherwood thinks the NBN is to blame for “Australian Conditions”: “My street has 68 (I’m a counter) badly filled and bumpy service pits or trenches. On my bike, I can weave around some. At least with the rest, I can imagine I’m riding over cobblestones in Europe.”

This essential item comes courtesy of Peter Mayes of Petersham: “Recently, my belt broke. I desperately needed a new one but, as everywhere was closed, I decided on Target’s Click and Collect. This was an emergency as I couldn’t keep my trousers up (I’ve lost weight in lockdown). Nine days later, nothing. So, I went to Target and they said it had arrived (from Queensland!) but was the wrong one. The young lady was so helpful. She said: ‘Don’t worry. I’ll get one from the men’s section.’ Two minutes later, I had a brand-new belt. I asked her why I couldn’t have just gone to her and ordered and paid. Her reply was: ‘Oh, no, you have to order it online.’”

“We keep hearing about this ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ which makes me wonder if it is just the train coming towards us,” says Allan Gibson of Cherrybrook.

Column8@smh.com.au

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